Part I / VIII
A Guy Awry
Paschal Wilson
I’m the real Color Guy.
Oh yeah?
If you’re the real Color Guy, then color the sky.
Reach for the sky, Color Guy.
Color Guy.
Who’s the real Color Guy?
If I was Color Guy,
I would color my tie.
If I was Color Guy,
I would color five guys
with five colored ties.
You wouldn’t color a guy,
Color Guy.
I’m Lucky Shot.
I’m so lucky.
I wake up in the morning and I get a hundred dollars from the Tooth Fairy.
I have one million baby teeth and they’re always falling out.
I’m the lucky.
I’m the luckiest shot.
I go straight to the top.
Lucky Shot.
I got a hole in one.
I got another hole in one.
And then I got 16 more holes in one.
All at once.
I got 18 holes in one.
I’m Lucky Shot.
I’m the luckiest.
I am the lucky shot.
I am Lucky Shot.
No, you’re not.
Oh yeah?
Could an unlucky ducky do this?
Lucky Shot proceeds to get really lucky.
Lucky Shot and Color Guy are gonna play baseball.
Lucky Shot is up to bat, and Color Guy is throwing the ball.
Lucky Shot has never played baseball, and
Color Guy, he’s a really good pitcher.
He’s gonna throw the ball.
But Lucky Shot, he don’t even care.
Color Guy’s gonna come out.
Lucky Guy just walks to first base
because it’s only a foot away,
because he’s so lucky.
Yeah.
Now up next in the order,
You won’t believe it, it’s a personal injury lawyer.
Color Guy, he’s gonna strike him out.
But Color Guy, he throws the ball right at his eye.
He hits him in the eye.
He hits that lawyer right in the eye.
That lawyer had to die.
But Lucky Shot,
he already stole second and third base,
and he stole home.
And he stole Color Guy’s iPhone.
Color Guy’s iPhone.
He’s in the dugout taking lots of selfies on his phone.
But Color Guy, he can’t go get it cuz he still gotta finish the inning.
And up next to bat
is Big John Lennon.
He’s got four Beatles.
This ain’t even baseball rules.
This is the Color Guy special.
Color Guy’s got four baseballs now, one for each member of the Beatles.
They hit four home runs at once.
It’s a grand slam with nobody on base.
The crowd stands up and they all start screaming:
The Beatles, The Beatles, they are the greatest.
Color Guy doesn’t know shit about anything.
Color Guy just gave up 300,000 home runs at once.
The Beatles, they multiplied
before they made it around the bases.
Color Guy, Color Guy,
he just got fired from his job
as the best pitcher in baseball for 25 years.
And now they’re gonna kill him On the Baseball Hall of Fame 100th anniversary.
They beat him with a bunch of baseball bats.
And then they say that he’s still in the Hall of Fame, but only as the guy who got hit with a baseball bat 300 billion million times in the face.
Lucky Shot got in a car accident,
but he flew up into the air,
and he landed in the other guy’s car,
and the other guy was driving a Lamborghini.
Now Lucky Shot just got a Lamborghini,
and the other guy died.
That’s how life is
when it’s all right
for the luckiest guy.
Lucky Shot.
Lucky Shot goes straight to the top,
Lucky shot has a birthday every day
lucky boy could you please explain?
Then Babe Ruth said he was back from the dead to dispense some much needed common sense
he said:
I can tell a Color Guy from an innocent baby bird,
and that’s why I use one stone for two birds,
and I use 300 billion baseball bats for Color Guy.
But don’t be surprised,
if your color’s fair,
or if your color is a disguise.
cuz I don’t care
The color is so bad
that I have to compromise your life
with the color of the Color Guy.
It’s bright white,
but you wanna blend in
with the night.
You have never seen anything but the color yellow.
Yellow, yellow, yellow, yellow,
you are a yellow fellow,
Color Guy.
Beepity beep beep beep beep.
It’s a news intro.
Beepity beep beep beep
beep beep beep.
Breaking news.
Here’s Color Guy with the weather.
It’s too cold for you here,
so now let me hold
both your hands
inside of a sweater.
Thanks, Color Guy.
Lucky Shot and Color Guy are having a duel.
They’re trying to see who can say the biggest number.
Color Guy says,
Okay, I’m gonna go first.
My number is infinity.
Lucky Shot says,
That’s not a number.
Color Guy says,
I thought you were gonna get lucky.
And Lucky Shot says,
To infinity and beyond.
Color Guy says,
Wow.
That was really bad, Lucky Shot.
Lucky Shot proceeds to get really lucky.
Color Guy says,
What?
Color Guy is like,
No, why?
Lucky Shot, he says,
I’m sorry, Color Guy. I really am.
And I tried to pretend that I was not gonna get lucky.
But, but Color Guy,
Color Guy,
I don’t know what this number is.
It’s just a really big number.
Color Guy says,
That number is the number that I know.
That is my secret number that only I know,
the Color Guy.
And Lucky Shot says,
Color number?
Color number?
Color number?
Number, number, number?
What is the color of a number?
And Color Guy says,
What is the number of a color?
And Color Guy says,
Roads are places where you go.
And Color Guy says,
Roofs on houses stop houses from growing up.
And then Lucky Shot is like,
at the bus stop.
And Lucky Shot is like,
smoking a cigarette.
And then Color Guy comes,
and he’s the bus driver.
And he’s like,
Hey,
I’m not letting a lucky guy on my bus. What if you get lucky with a personal injury lawyer?
And Lucky Shot is like,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who said I was lucky?
Who said I was even Lucky Shot?
Who even— what is a personal injury lawyer?
Um,
I’m just like you, man.
And Color Guy,
Color Guy is like,
Look,
I’m only a small bus driver. I only make $1,000 a year. If you get lucky with a personal injury lawyer,
um, you’ll take all of my money and I’ll die.
And Lucky Shot is like,
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
First of all,
I’m not even lucky.
Second of all,
why are you so concerned about this personal injury lawyer?
I mean,
you’re a bus driver and I’m on the bus, so how am I gonna get hurt?
And the bus driver is like,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
If you get lucky, then it will be really bad for me.
But Lucky Shot is like,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
I just want to ride on the bus.
So Color Guy is like,
Okay, fine,
You can get on the bus.
And so Lucky Shot gets on the bus.
Um,
and then Color Guy
shoots him in the fucking face!
Um,
but Lucky Shot gets really lucky
because,
um,
it bounces back
and it hits
the personal injury lawyer.
and Color Guy and Lucky Shot are best friends.
What would Lucky Shot do if Lucky Shot was a frog?
Yeah.
He would probably get
a lot of kisses
and turn into a prince,
and then he’d have it all.
That’s the Lucky Shot.
What would Color Guy do if he was a frog?
He’d probably put on some frog pants, and then he’d break the frog law.
Because Color Guy, he don’t comply with fairy tales or being a frog.
So Color Guy is gonna go to the mall of Frog Town.
Yeah, Color Guy, in your suit and tie.
Where’d you find that suit and tie?
Color Guy.
Color Guy,
Color Guy.
Where’d you find that suit and tie?
Color Guy,
Color Guy.
Can you spare me a dollar with your new shoes?
Color Guy and Lucky Shot decided that they want to have a friend.
They want to have a pet.
They want to go vegan.
They want to be a cool friend group.
So Color Guy and Lucky Shot are going shopping.
And they go into the Friends store.
And Color Guy is like,
I would like a friend
this many tall,
and this many wide,
and this many guys,
and this many kisses,
and this much love,
and this many bitches.
But Lucky Shot, he just goes in there and he gets lucky.
And they give him a friend.
And his friend was actually the manager of the Friends store.
And he says,
I’ve got a hundred friends more.
And so Lucky Shot and the manager become best friends.
And that means that Lucky Shot now has 101 new friends.
And Color Guy is still looking in the mirror.
If I was Color Guy, I would sing a red song.
Red, red, red, red, red, red, red.
Color Guy sings along.
Color Guy says,
red, red, red.
But Color Guy looks so blue.
And Color Guy,
Why don’t you sing Red the way I do?
Color Guy says,
It’s my turn now. I’m gonna sing a birthday song.
The Color Guy Birthday Song is very long.
This is the Color Guy Birthday Song. It’s very long. The Color Guy Birthday Song. The Color Guy Birthday Song is very long because Color Guy is a long type of birthday-having, song-having guy.
Color Guy three. Color Guy four,
five, six, seven, Color Guy. Oh,
Color Guy 100. Color Guy 105.
Color Guy, he’s a nice guy.
Color Guy with the white tie.
Where’d you find that suit and tie?
Color Guy,
Color Guy.
Can you spare me a dollar with your new shoes?
Color Guy, he’s under the table, eating all my scraps of bacon.
Color Guy, he’s sticking a fork in the outlet.
I said,
“Color Guy, don’t you know that a fork is for food and not for lightning?”
But Color Guy had a surprise.
He was a god of thunder.
Color Guy has now become a thunder god by sticking a fork in an outlet instead of eating his dinner.
Now Color Guy is in the sky, and he’s got a bunch of lightning bolts.
Color Guy is gonna get revenge on his best friend from another land, in another time, before the color of a guy was white.
Back when Color Guy was a yellow fellow, we met Lucky Shot on the ground in the desert, surrounded by a Sphinx.
Color Guy is a thunder god, but he can’t just make it rain. So he sits outside of Egypt, and he watches Lucky Shot from far away.
Lucky Shot was praying to the Sphinx.
He said,
“Hey, little kitty, I have a feeling that it’s about to be an evening of hellfire coming to get me.”
The Sphinx said,
“Solve my riddle, Lucky Shot, and I will be your companion. You can take me to Australia. I’ll get in a little basket, and I’ll fit in a carry-on on the plane.”
Lucky Shot said,
“What’s the riddle?”
The Sphinx said,
“Could you ever color a pickle?”
Lucky Shot said,
“No, because for you to color a pickle
would mean that you have foregone the practice of pickling.
That would just be a colored cucumber,
despite whatever it is you did to it before that.”
– Lucky Shot
The Sphinx said,
“That’s absolutely right, But you didn’t get lucky.”
And then Lucky Shot got really lucky, and the real god took him into space.
He said,
“Lucky Shot, I’m gonna grant you one wish.”
Lucky Shot said,
“I wish that the Sphinx was a planet orbiting the sun.”
And Lucky Shot woke up in Las Vegas.
Color Guy was the running back for the Chicago Bears, and he was running back, back to Chicago, when he broke his leg.
It was a normal sports injury.
And then he eventually got better.
But then the Chicago Bears went to the Super Bowl, and they won it without him.
And Color Guy cried.