Color Brother

Oh, Color Guy, you always were my favorite.

Sweet and sultry Color Guy.

I’m looking at your face, and I kiss you. I kiss you, Color Guy, right between the eyes.

Oh, Color Guy, you always were my favorite.

Color Guy is a guy who I got in my basement. He’s tied and gagged, and that is why this Color Guy is my favorite. Most Color Guys, they like to lie. They like to say their faces.

They like to say,

My name is Pablo, Pedro, Peco.

But my name is not those things, and my Color Guy no longer sings. And that’s why he’s my favorite thing that I could ever bring to show and tell.

“Hey, Color Guy, sing us a jive. Sing us the one about the lobster.”

And Color Guy says something that I couldn’t quite understand, so I’ll do it to the best of my forgottens:

The lobster in the bottom of the ocean—is he gonna live, or is he gonna cause a commotion when the fisherman comes? I mean, the Lobster Man comes to take the lobster to the restaurant.

The lobster says,

“Hey, little buddy, why don’t you let me sing you a song?”

He said,

“Okay, lobster. What type of song have you prepared for us on this lovely lobster evening?”

The lobster said,

“This is my song. It’s called ‘The House of the Rising Sun.’”

They said,

“Lobster, that’s somebody else’s song!”

But it was too late. The lobster was already singing the song, and then everybody started to sing along.

But they still ate the lobster.

They were singing the lobster song way after the lobster was gone. They were lathering that lobster in butter, and they were still singing the song.

The chorus was a little bit different from the one that was originally released. The chorus said that the lobster was a friend only because he tasted so sweet.

The Color Guy in my basement is cooked like a lobster that I slathered in butter, because I love him when he shuts the fuck up yeah that’s the only way I trust him. And it’s the same for the lobster.

We’re not gonna be friends, and I’m not gonna fit in with a lobster at the bottom of the ocean.

My favorite color is red, because red is the color of a boxing glove, and red is the color of the sun, and red is the color of the blood when it runs.

Red is the color of my lips.

Almost.

Maybe, if you got a lot of blood on them.

Red is the color of the two lips, the ones that look like roses.

Two lips, I said, that is on my head, that I use to flap in the wind, making me seem so smart when I pretend that I know what I’m saying.

It’s red like a Coca-Cola.

It’s red like getting a big ol’ F on the front of your homework.

It’s red like the ambulance.

It’s red like ants in your pants.

It’s red like a blinker.

It’s red like your sphincter.

It’s red like the reddest red in the garden shed.

But that’s just a bug.

And the guy in my basement, his favorite color is blue.

Blue like new tennis shoes God took from you.

Blue like your best friend was in the Navy and got a bad tattoo.

Blue like you don’t know why you get so sad when you watch season five of your favorite television show.

Blue like you don’t know the crossword.

Blue like you gotta call your father after you hit his car.

Blue like a shooting star on the dark side of the Moon.

Blue like you tried to learn the guitar.

Blue like your baby is dating a rock star.

But me and Color Guy, we were chilling in the basement. Color Guy’s hands were tied behind his back, behind the chair he was tied to. But he was still looking blue. Blue inside.

And so I said,

“Hey, Color Guy, I’m gonna write your name on your head.”

I wrote BLUE in a marker so red, and Color Guy started to say,

Color Guy is crying a brand-new color today. He’s crying, but he don’t say a thing, because I got a little dirty rag between his teeth. But the Color Guy—the purple inside—is now spilling out onto me.

The color of a color of a friend.

I decided that me and Color Guy, we were gonna go on vacation. But I can’t let him get outside, so I just took my whole basement.

Color Guy, he was sitting in the chair. He cannot speak or move his hands. Then I kicked him into the water, and I sang a song.

Oh, I got Color Guy, and I tied him to a chair, and then I put something on his face.

Now Color Guy is quiet, and he don’t move unless he’s got an itch.

Color Guy, I put him on a chair, and I put the chair into the basement. And then I locked up the basement, and I put the basement in the ocean.

But now I can’t go back in the basement. Now I gotta do something.

I had to take the entire ocean and put it in the other ocean. So, deep down Pacific or Atlantic, you will find the other ocean. And deep inside the other ocean, you’ll find a basement with a hostage.

Color Guy says,

“Glove’s no fun,”

But I’m gonna show you that the glove is the sun. The glove of you is the glove of two, where two little gloving guys are having fun in the bottom of the ocean, wearing gloves so we can breathe underwater.

Yeah, I’ve got a glove with infinite oxygen. It’s called my lungs.

The Color Guy I once found so proud, flying through the night, saving everybody with his Color Guy powers, is now just an ordinary hostage. And me, I don’t even have superpowers except infinite lungs and the power to summon the lobsters.

A long time ago, me and Color Guy had a television show where we played superheroes.

It was called—it was called—it was called

Glove Man and the Color Guy.

And every week, we would start a-fightin’. We would fight over whatever the writer was telling us. But then I found out that Color Guy was the writer of the television show I was on.

That didn’t seem very fair to me.

I thought that this was make-believe. But now I see it’s a fantasy. Color Guy wants to kill me. So I put him in my basement.

I threatened him with lots of different weapons. In real life, I got behind the Color Guy and I said,

“Get the fuck back into my basement.”

I’ve now got 100 of the world’s top-paid armed guards in my basement, and they’re operating it like a maximum-security prison for a guy who was never tried and certainly really wasn’t violent in real life. He’s just an ordinary hostage.

It’s Color Guy, locked inside my basement.

But now I’ve got an industry. Now I’ve got an army.

Yes, Glove Man’s got an army, and they all wear boxing gloves. I’ve got 100 of the world’s best boxers all protecting my prisoner.

The Color Guy, he sends his wish.

He wishes with all his Color Guy heart, his guy-colored Color Guy heart.

But his wish was shaped like a lock. It was shaped like the inside of a key. And so it slipped right out of the basement, and it made its way all the way to the radio station.

And it was a guy who’s in charge of what goes on the radio. And he had just got done playing “The House of the Rising Sun.” And he heard a little wish, and it made him start crying.

And he said,

And this is what the song says.

It says:

The radio man, he had to retire. He couldn’t stop crying. The song was so moving. Everyone in the radio station started to cry. And everyone listening to the only radio station started to cry.

They all said,

It’s in the basement at the bottom of the ocean.

So then all the lobsters, they got into formation. It was like a mech suit. It was like Legos. Lobster Legos. They made it to a giant Godzilla-looking red thing in the sky. Lobster Unit 1.

They said,

“I am the automaton of the ghost of Lucky Shot. And I am going to free the hostage.”

And Glove Man, he had no defense from the giant fucking lobster.

Now 100 boxers are fighting the lobsters deep at the bottom of the ocean.

And Color Guy, he says:

“This is the best fucking episode of this TV show we’ve had yet.”

Color Guy was working at his job as a man of the people, a notary.

They mailed him a really big blue stamp. It said COLOR GUY LLC.

Anyways, Color Guy’s big blue stamps kept him fed. But Color Guy, he never realized most people don’t print in color. Most people never discover what’s under the RED that they read.

And, for that matter, Lucky Shot was color-blind, in a glove of his own two eyes.

Look at Color Villain, and Lucky Shot just saw a guy.

That’s how Color Guy commits his crimes, in the bright of the daylight. He colors a guy the color of the color of the eyes that lie.

In 1995, The color was a different color. Than the color you say. Hey! Sing it Frankie Freebase!

Lucky Shot, he never died.

Lucky Shot put on a glove. Lucky Shot, he had to pretend he wasn’t lucky for 25 years, because Lucky Shot, he was too damn lucky.

Lucky Shot was hurting everyone. Lucky Shot would go outside, and everyone would die, and then a rainbow would come out.

So Lucky Shot faked his death. Lucky Shot became the Glove Man.

The Glove Man’s secret identity was Lucky Shot!

Lucky Shot, he did feel bad for leaving his friend The Guy. But 25 years later, The Guy was the best baseball player. And that warmed Lucky Shot’s now-gloved Lucky Heart.

So, in the end, it was Lucky Shot who took Color Guy as a hostage.

Well, you see, he was lucky to a degree that it’s hard to explain. Lucky Shot, after 25 years of wearing gloves, decided he would throw them away.

And then he was no longer color-blind.

But he didn’t like the color that he was, The color of a color Guy. The color of a brother. The color of a lie.

Lucky Shot went to the hair salon And this guy was glove coloring dye

He said

I’m the guy who makes you dyed I’ve got color guy supplies I’m the guy you’re after

I said

My guy-colored-glove-dyed-hand-covered-love tried wide-eyed Color Guyed friend?

He said

Relax

Lucky Shot is underwater Getting his hair cut

Lucky Shot was sitting in the bathtub Trying to get lucky.

The bartender (Color Guy) was like

You ain’t from around here ain’t you

Lucky Shot was in the middle of something

They said pick a color and color

How do you want to dye?

Lucky Shot said

It’s been 8 years cowboy on this side of Fishing hole I’m still waiting on my fish to pull

Color Guy said

It’s time to make a decision because Business is business And I am not Color Guy I’m just ordinary fishes

Lucky Shot was trying to get lucky

All of the fishes but none of them are lucky fishes and Lucky Shot checks he checks all of them behind the ears and gills and the shotting and lucking all over everyone gets really sad for Lucky Shot too because we all need a little bit of time to dye. A little bit of time to say goodbye to the beehive and the hairdryer.

Color Guy said you can just close your eyes

So Lucky Shot tried And Lucky Shot dyed

Lucky Shot said

Lucky Shot is going to dye on his own without getting lucky and without being a Glove Man

Lucky Shot said

I am Lucky Shot I am capable of making decisions I am here to dye On the Fourth of July In the night sky

I’m the luckiest shot in the world I’m just like the Glove Man I’ve got a theme song except it’s not my birthday

Color Guy his reply It was This Color Guy said Color Guy said

I am the Color Guy but Color Guy is really just a profession. Sort of like a barber or a police officer.

Lucky Shot said

Well what’s the color of a guy?

Color Guy said

The color of a guy is white

Lucky Shot said

What’s the color of the gloves that cover the hands that dye?

Color Guy said

The color of the gloves that cover the hands that dye is blue.

Lucky Shot said

I am glove-covered-guy-colored too.

Color Guy said

This is the time to let your hair down And be cool

Lucky Shot said

I just want to get on the bus I just want to get lucky I just want to have a good time I just want to dye with my bare hands To glove or not to glove?

Color Guy said

Lucky Shot said

Color Guy said

This is a new low.

Lucky Shot managed to get lucky but it ended up just being a beer from the part of the salon that’s a saloon but he came back with a cowboy hat and a beer so a win’s a win in Lucky Shot’s book.

Cowboy Lucky Shot

So, Lucky Shot, how is it being Lucky Shot now that you’ve dyed?

Lucky Shot, Newly Dyed

Well at first I cried a lot and I was really scared and I didn’t want to look in the mirror but then I remembered

Cowboy Lucky Shot

Remembered what?

Lucky Shot

I’m the Lucky Shot I always get lucky

Oh yeah Cowboy Lucky Shot back home from Las Vegas Giving it to Lucky Shot Right in the middle of the barbershop Coloring him and making him Making him all hot and wet

And in the mirror Cowboy Lucky Shot is like, “You like that, Lucky Shot?”

But Lucky Shot dyed All on the floor

So Cowboy Lucky Shot took his place And then the barber came back from the bathroom or whatever And the barber was like

Cowboy Lucky Shot? Back from Las Vegas? But what happened to Lucky Shot?

Cowboy Lucky Shot said

Lucky Shot dyed What happened to you?

The barber was like

Hue may cover the color of the dyes that cover the hands of man’s disguise from the private colored eyes that color a guy.

Cowboy Lucky Shot was all like

Hue, Me? Hue is you. I’m the real Color Guy.

Color Guy, he said

Hue wouldn’t color a guy, Lucky Shot.